Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
No way!
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?