Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.