Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.