“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
it was a valiant fight
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace