If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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me and the Superbowl rn
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.