GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures