Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
You Might Also Like
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now