When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground