Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
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Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.