“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!