me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
You Might Also Like
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Weighing up my bread heating options
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch