There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.