May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.