4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
couldn’t resist
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Generation gap…
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”