Doubt I鈥檒l ever forget this scene 馃槀
You Might Also Like
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can鈥檛 be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
the perfect lunchbox d潭o潭e潭s潭n潭’潭t潭 潭e潭x潭i潭s潭t潭
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 馃檪馃惥
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it鈥檚 a chippy chip
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Bryan Adams: 馃幍 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 馃幍
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can鈥檛 a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.