A friend helps you before you need it
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
philosophical skeletons be like
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*