My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here