Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.