Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.