Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.