No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.