Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Air conditioning – not a fan
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.