The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.