Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
How did we not see this back then?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Anyone really
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.