Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
How about daylight saves us for once
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery