“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
You Might Also Like
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“The Perfect Relationship”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!