A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre