[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Snapes on a plane.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?