Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Oops
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Mhm.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn