this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all