If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
<—- homeless romantic
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
welcome back
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.