Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.