KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.