I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…