[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
i wish i could marry a nap
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy