Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.