Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
This story is comedy gold 😂
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…