Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Whoa 😂
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
🙅🏻
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!