No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.