I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.