The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
This dude got his own movie?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.