2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree