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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.