If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed