Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme