Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.