Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.