her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?