ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Yup.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too