Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.